Anger Management – 19 Principles

We are constantly talking to ourselves either verbally or in our minds.

Both research and experience show that when persons with anger problems change the way they talk to themselves, their anger level drops and they often regain control of themselves.

When you notice your anger cues escalating (rising) or you start to feel angry, take a time-out for a few minutes and read these statements to yourself.

1. I do not need to prove myself in this situation, I can stay calm.
2. As long as I keep my cool, I am in control of myself.
3. What other people say is their opinion. Opinions are not facts. I am the only person who can make myself angry or keep myself calm.
4. I will take time-out if I feel that I am getting uptight or start to notice my cues or signals. During the time-out, I will relax and slow things down; like my breathing and thinking.
5. In difficult or stressful situations, I do not need to feel threatened or fearful. I can relax and stay cool. When I do so, I will make better choices.
6. I do not have to be strong and competent all the time. It is okay to feel unsure or confused at times. This will not make me less of a person.
7. It is impossible to control other persons and all situations. I can only influence these in a positive way if I choose to if they are open to the process.
8. The only person I can control is myself and how I express my feelings, especially painful feelings.
9. It is okay for me to feel uncertain or insecure sometimes. I do not need to  control everything and everyone around me.
10. If other people criticize me, I can survive that. Their opinion is more reflective of them than of me. Nothing says that I have to be perfect.
11. If another person wants to go off the wall, that’s their choice. I do not need to react to their anger or to feel threatened. Getting angry just like him/her would not help the situation. In fact, it will make it worse. Anger always akes a bad situation worse.
12. When I get into an argument, I can use my control plan and know what to do. I can take a time-out for a few minutes. It is better not to get into an argument by disengaging from the discussion or conversation.
13. Most things we argue about are insignificant. I can recognize that my anger comes from having my old (or primary feelings) re-stimulated. Those feelings may be from my early childhood and I may not be aware of them. 
14.  It is okay to walk away from a fight – whether verbal or physical – without losing face. This will not make me less of a person or male/female.
15. It feels good to have other people’s love and approval, but even without it, I can still accept and like myself. The way I feel about myself should not be dependent solely on the love and approval of others.
16. There are erasers on the end of pencils for a reason; it is okay to make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from my mistakes and become a better person as a result.
17. I have to keep in mind that people will act the way they want to, not the way I want them to act. I have to be prepared to be flexible enough to respond to any stressful or difficult situation.
18. My anger is a signal. It may mean that I have been hurt, scared or have some other primary feeling, e.g. jealousy.
19. My anger often arises from what I see as injustice. This may be real. I need to find solutions to this problem rather than blame (or shame) which would only worsen the situation.